and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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