I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
