I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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