I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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