what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
