i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
