Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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