If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
