I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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