the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
