he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
