I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize