You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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