If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
