"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
