What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
