I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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