Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
