Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
