so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
