if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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