I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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