Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
