ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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