it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
