that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
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He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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