My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
