sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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