she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
