Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Randomize
