I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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