i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
