Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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