There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
