Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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