I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
