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dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
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