My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why are your pants in the freezer?