I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo