I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.