I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
