I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
