I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
