I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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