it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
