We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
