So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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