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We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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