i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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