hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
