hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
