hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
