I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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