I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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