sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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