listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
