The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
