I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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