Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hippo gnu deer
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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