I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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