Duck Duck Cougar?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
