I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
